I just finished reading Tuesdays with Morrie, and let me tell you, I cried last night until 1 am, not the pretty tears but the ones where I had to put to book down because I couldn’t see the page anymore. I know it might not be everyone’s cup of tea, but it shifted something in me, the way certain books manage to do once every few years.
All this searching and running towards exterior validation and recognition can get you so far. What really matters is pretty simple: the relationships we built in this life, people who love you and you love them back. Morrie says in the book more than once - at the end of our lives this is what we will remember, not the recognition but the people, the love and the emotions.
It’s quite obvious, this book got me all emotional and made me think that I miss having real conversation with honest-raw-real people. People who inspire you, kind and compassionate people.
So today I did the thing that happen when a feeling is just too big to just sit with it, I started thinking and writing and turned it into a list. While most of the days we are so focused on the red flags in people, today I decided to go for the opposite. We are able to spot the avoidant and anxious attachment really easily, we are masters in decoding what four hours without a reply means. So I sat down and made a list of all the green flags I could see in a person and I admire the most.
For example, watch how someone treats a cleaner, a waiter or an intern, not how they treat their boss. Respect for me is real information. Next to it is something much simpler but hard to do it at times: say thank you, not as something forced, but as a reflex, because it means you notice when somone does something for you, regardless how small it is.
Then there is the harder stuff. Being financially literate, for me it is a green flag. Someone how understands how their own money works, instead of avoiding the subject. Being mature enough to apologize and mean it, without turning it into a performance that ends up with you comforting them about it. Teaching other people in a humble way instead of flashing it and bragging, that is the difference between somone who wants to teach you something and someone who wants you to know they know better.
And then are the quiet stuff, the once you can barely see or describe. Being able to read the room. Being comfortable in silence instead of feeling the need to say something just because you can’t stand the quietness. Being on time is another green flag that makes me feel that my time is just as important as theirs. Loyalty is another one and it makes me feel it can be harder to find it these days. Being a good listener, you know, when someone is actually present and involved in the conversation rather than just waiting for their turn to say something (this is also something Morrie outlines in the book)
For me, non of these make a perfect bio. They are not niche traits, not that impressive but they are the exact kind of thing Morrie spent his last months trying to emphasize.
Love each other of perish. Not impress each other. Love.
I am not saying red flags should be ignored, usually our instinct pushes us towards them. But I would like to be just as fluent in green flags. The people who are comfortable in silence. The people who make you feel you don’t need to perform. Those who you can build a life with.
If nothing sticks with you from this article, remember just this:
How someone treats other people who can’t do much for them is the real test. Respecting someone’s status isn’t about manners, it is a clear sign of character.
We are fluent in red flags and illiterate in green one. It is often easier to spot the narcissist rather than the empath, but good behaviour is out there, just make room to observe it.
A good apology is not just an admission, it is a maturity test when you truly mean it.
Be comfortable in silence and you will find peace. We don’t always have to reward those who fill the space.
Kindness, loyalty and being an active listener aren’t traits that make the headlights but they are the only ones that people actually remember you for.
Exterior validation and real relationships are not the same currency. One runs out at the end when you are considered expired for society, the other is what you are left with at the end.
Love,
A.
I am close to reaching 30 and I am writing about life and all its meaning through my eyes and my experiences. This is a vulnerable and intimate place for me and I hope it can get you to open up more. I write about grief, relationships, career, money and all in between. I hope you choose to stay. Thank you for being here. If it’s your first interaction with me and my articles, take a seat, we’re open.
Excellent post. There’s a huge focus on red flags to the point of it losing impact. So it is nice to have something to balance it out. Green flags are just as important. Also, Tuesdays with Morrie is a top tier book. I read it as a teen and it has always stuck with me. I’m 33 now.
❤️