every time i tend to be a little bit more optimistic, my overcautious brain starts dumping all those crazy thoughts (i am not enough, i don’t work enough, i don’t have a partner, i should be in a different place at this age). then i get a bit more paranoid and anxious and start agreeing to those nihilistic ideas.
i am close to turning 29, which in theory should be adulthood peak, right? i feel like a failure most of the time because i am single, i am rotting inside and i feel like i am losing my passion and creativity.
don’t get me wrong, i have a relatively well paid job, an apartment i bought and i am quite stable (thanks to my therapist) but somehow i can’t stop blaming myself for the lack of my own family.
the truth is that i am lonely. never in my life have i felt this way before because as a dependent person, i always took care of having someone constantly in my life. to be honest, this is the first year where i feel complete in my loneliness.
i don’t go out as much, i don’t have as many friends and the ones i have usually are spending time busy in their own lives (the audacity), therefore i am forced to live with my own presence.
since i was 15, i started being in serious relationships and now i have been single for almost 2 years, which is very weird to process. what do i do with myself? how do i enjoy my own company?
i started going to the gym, then i started reading more and going to the park and then what? when does my soulmate appear? in movies it’s different. in reality, people tell me i don’t give off the vibe of someone available to date. you know what? f*** off. i think i do, it’s just that my standards are higher now.
let’s just say this is the start of my series- i am behind in life, a series with no followers, no one know who i am and i plan to keep it that way, at least for now.
A.
I know exactly how you feel. I lived it for years. I’m a different case for many reasons, but I can promise it will get better.